Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
