All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
