if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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