You don't have asthma, your pregnant
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
His nipple licking is glorious
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