my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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