you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The Olympian is in my bed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
