It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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