How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
