i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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