I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
