i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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