I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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