Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
