i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
