I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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