Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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