I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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