Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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