this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
