Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
