Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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