Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
