a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
