the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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