My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
