living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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