:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
