facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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