I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
