It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
