so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize