ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
