I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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