In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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