Farmville is her only friend.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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