barbara walters just said penis...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
