saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
