Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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