Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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