Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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