i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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