some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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