I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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