I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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