Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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