he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
