I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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