last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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