You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize