literally had 100 drinks last night.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
