im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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