Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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