I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
