just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize