I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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