Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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